


Put Me On the Back Burner

by nagi_schwarz



Series: Play Along [22]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, F/M, M/M, band au, musician au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 14:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7622584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the comment_fic prompt: "any, any, <i>Well you only need the light when it's burning low / Only miss the sun when it starts to snow / Only know you love her when you let her go / Only know you've been high when you're feeling low / Only hate the road when you're missing home / Only know you love her when you let her go / And you let her go</i>"</p><p>Jennifer tells Rodney to let her go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Put Me On the Back Burner

Evan sat on one of the hard plastic chairs in the hallway just outside of Jennifer’s private room. Elizabeth had given him strict instructions to sit and wait till Jennifer's mother arrived and to let no one save hospital staff past him. No one save hospital staff - and Rodney, who was in there with her now.  
  
After their conversation in the parking lot, the nurses had allowed everyone to have a brief visit with Jennifer before insisting she needed to rest.  
  
Teyla had been kind, told Jennifer she was beautiful, she need not be ashamed of her looks.  
  
Jennifer had insisted she was all right, and anyway, it was nothing to worry about, because Evan understood what she was doing, had brought her diet shakes.  
  
Evan had been rendered speechless with the realization that Jennifer had interpreted his attempts to get her to consume at least _something_ as his silent insistence that she needed a diet.  
  
The look Rodney had shot him was pure venom, and Evan had excused himself quickly, the weight of Elizabeth's gaze heavy between his shoulder blades.  
  
This was his fault, all his fault. If only he’d been smarter, understood better what was going on with Jennifer and John. Jennifer had a psychiatrist coming to see her in the morning, to assess the full extent of her eating disorder.  
  
Evan sat on the horrible, punishing chair and knew he deserved so much worse.  
  
“Rodney?” Jennifer asked muzzily. She’d fallen asleep, so the others had left, but Evan had done some fast talking with the nurses so Rodney could stay, might have hinted Rodney was Jennifer’s fiancé.  
  
“Jennifer, I’m here.”  
  
Evan knew Rodney in all of his moods. Rodney was only ever this gentle with Jennifer.  
  
“Didn’t recognize you for a moment.”  
  
“They turned the lights low so you could rest,” Rodney said.  
  
“I heard the others talking.” Jennifer's voice, usually so sweet, was hoarse. They’d had to intubate her when she stopped breathing on the ambulance. “John told you, then?”  
  
“Didn’t tell us, exactly,” Rodney said, and he sounded bitter. “But now we know all his secrets. Or rather, I know all of them. Apparently Teyla and Ronon have known for years that John was in love with me, and you knew he had cancer.”  
  
“In love with you?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Oh. Well, that makes so much more sense now.”  
  
“What makes more sense?” Some of Rodney’s anger dissipated in favor of curiosity.  
  
“When I told John I knew his secret, he said he was sorry, he never meant for me to know, begged me not to tell you, and I told him I knew he was sick, and when I asked what his other secret was, he told me he was gay, but I always suspected there was something more. No wonder he looked so afraid when I told him I knew his secret.”  
  
“John Sheppard adores his secrets. Can't survive without them.”  
  
“Don’t be angry at him,” Jennifer said. “I know what it's like, feeling - wrong. Not good enough. Not -”  
  
“You’re right, perfect, better than perfect, always good enough,” Rodney broke in, soft and kind and a little desperate.  
  
“No, Rodney, I don’t think I am.”  
  
“Jennifer -”  
  
“I hate being on the road all the time.” She sighed.  
  
“You’re only saying that because you miss home. We all miss home once in a while.”

“I’m at a pretty low point, Rodney. I know how low, because I’ve felt that performance high, felt that moment when all five of us are together and we _are_ the music. I love that. But I hate who I am, and I can’t do this anymore.”  
  
Rodney’s voice was tight, panicked. “What are you saying?”  
  
Evan wanted to know the answer too, but he was terrified of what it would be, of all the damage he’d done to these people he’d cared for, tried to love and protect.  
  
“I’m saying I need to find myself. To get myself back. To be me again. Someone I recognize when I look in the mirror,” Jennifer said.  
  
“I don’t understand.”  
  
There was a rustling of sheets, and then Jennifer continued. “This isn’t my dream anymore, Rodney, but it’s still yours.”  
  
“No. It’s only my dream if it’s yours.” Rodney’s voice rose, tighter, more panicked.  
  
Evan’s throat closed. Ordinarily this was the moment when he’d reach into his pocket for his cell phone, fire off a question to Elizabeth, ask what to do, but he wasn’t allowed to do that anymore. He couldn’t be trusted with their hearts or their lives or their music or -  
  
“Rodney, I need to step away, and you need to let me go.”  
  
“Jennifer -”  
  
“I will support you every step of the way, but I need to put myself back together.” Her tone was firm, but her voice shook.  
  
Rodney made a small, wordless sound of pain.  
  
“I know you. Music is in your soul.” Jennifer’s voice was steady now.  
  
“I can’t do that, can’t be on the road without you.”  
  
“Yes, you can.” Jennifer was kind and calm and gentle. “You wrote those songs. They’re yours. You can give them voice just as well as I. There’d need to be some rearranging, for sure, what with Teyla the only female voice now, but you can do it. It’s inside of you.”  
  
“Are you insane? Have the band go on without you?” Rodney’s voice rose sharply, and Jennifer shushed him. He continued in a furious almost-whisper. “I can’t even _look_ at Sheppard right now.”  
  
Evan flinched, knew the way Rodney spat John’s last name, had heard it a thousand times before when he was a teenager.  
  
“I know the weight of secrets.” Jennifer’s voice was soft still, but she had a core of steel. “I know John isn’t perfect, but he’s a good person, Rodney, and his soul is full of music, just like yours.”  
  
Rodney spluttered.  
  
“Either you need to let me go, or you need to let the band go.”  
  
“Jennifer…”  
  
“If you love me, you will let me go.”  
  
“Of course I love you. I’ve loved you since we were fifteen. I -”  
  
“If you love yourself, you will follow your dream.”  
  
Rodney made a sound like a sob, and there were sheets rustling, and Evan heard the soft whisper of a kiss, and he forced himself to his feet, stepped away, gave them the privacy they deserved, and knew everything was falling apart.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from All These Things That I've Done by The Killers


End file.
